Baldness 101

aka A Practical Guide to Baldness

So I’m Bald now and it’s too hot to hide my head under a bushel (or a hat, scarf or wig).

Here we have baldness 101, based on my whole two days worth of experience. I have been trailing baldness is London and Bristol, this is what I’ve observed in handy dandy bite sized chunks. NB: This post contains generalisations.

Basic advice:

  • You need a bit of chip on your shoulder to pull it off. Not to much mind. In London recently, a rather yucky Chanel wearing twenty something charged past me bashing her huge leather bag into me – she turned back and gave me such a look that I just told her to “f-off”. That is not me. That is too much chip.
  • When stared at, smile in an open and friendly way. If they stare longer than is necessary even though you are bald; just neutrally hold eye contact and then raise your brows. If you’re not in the mood bust out this next point.
  • I like to protect myself – Hear no evil. See no evil. Speak no evil. Hear no Evil; headphones on, rocking an amazing playlist. See no Evil; invest in a kick-ass pair of shades. Speak no Evil; please see above. I guess you could also call this technique “I can’t see you so you can’t see me”. It honestly helps.

Common Reactions:

  • Young mothers look worried and heart broken.
  • People of my own age are intrigued/horrified in equal measure.
  • The flippy hair lot, simply can’t fathom why I’ve not taken to my bed.
  • Many people just find the floor / sky incredibly engaging.
  • The right on brigade REALLY want me to know they are totally cool with a) my fashion choice or b) my illness; cue maniacal smiling.
  • The elderly out and out stare.
  • I heart bald men. They just give me a nod.

Practical advice:

  • Sunscreen is important, really important. You scalp has not seen the light of day before.
  • Women (and Men), a kick-ass lipstick does, in fact help. Also eyeliner is pretty effective too.
  • Don’t forget to wash your head – I know, I know but the nurse said that to me, so I am assuming that some people don’t.
  • You are going to need to moisturise too, I had a very scaly head to start with.
  • I made a public service announcement about my new look. Best to tackle it head on (tee hee) and contain/own the shock factor.

The answers to the Questions People Really want to ask:

  • No, it didn’t really hurt when my hair was falling out.
  • Yes, in the end we clippered me, I then washed my head 4 times to get rid of most of the remaining loose hair.
  • No, there was no way of knowing that I have my dads skull shape.
  • No, you can’t touch my head unless I can put my finger in your ear.
  • Yes, people stare; No, people haven’t commented yet.
  • No, it would not make me feel better if you shaved your head. If you need a wakeup call about what constitutes beauty or how much society values ‘normal’ beauty, do it. But don’t do it for me.
  • No, I have’t cried over my hair. I don’t know why.

Surprising Perks:

  • Showers are awesome! I love the feeling of droplets on my head.
  • Restaurant staff are really, really polite and service is amazing.
  • You get a hugely wide berth when swimming, which is most excellent.
  • I am 100% sure I am cooler than the flippy hair girls – in every single way.
  • It really is quicker to get ready in the morning.
  • I’d never have chosen to do it or have had the balls; but Gosh it’s liberating.