10 Things I Sometimes Contemplate May Have Given Me Cancer But Probably Didn’t…Vol 2
pollygosh_cancer-is-an

I’ve been contemplating what led me here again. Think I’ve nailed it this time.

1) When I was small, I used to really like chewing paper, I don’t recall why, mainly because I was one weird little chick. I seem to remember after-supper mandatory mouth searches and lumps of Kitchen Roll being fished out…. I’m glad I grew out of this.

2) Karma – we’ve all done things we’re not proud of, perhaps mine were a whole lot worse than I thought. I’ve never killed anyone though; I once got accused of poisoning an actress (by the actress who was not, it turns out, poisoned) but I didn’t and that’s another story. I was told (while my mum was sick the first time) by a deeply religious person, that the cancer was her sins manifesting themselves. I was too young and too shocked (this person was a friend) to give this its proper response. I do so now “FUCK OFF”. Or it could be a Voodoo Doll thing. Any enemies out there willing to negoicate a pin removal, I’ve got poison cookies?

3) While small, my brother and I had a sick fascination with licking AA batteries. I seem to remember we did this while bored on long car journeys. We’d have to be stealthy, parents for some odd reason aren’t supportive of such things (go figure). We’d pop the batteries from the back of our Philips Walkmen (mine was yellow, shaped like a triangle and was constantly playing Bonnie Tyler’s Lost in France, the only tape I owned -it was the 80′s) and silently giggle as we buzzed our tongues…. again super glad I grew out of this, though the siren call of the battery is sometimes tempting.

4) The fact that until I was really far too old, I refused to wear a bra or even a crop. I had no desire to grow up. It was a change in P.E kit that forced the situation; air-tex is unforgiving. I got a crop-top from Tescos, I think it had a rainbow on the front and synthetic lacy round the bottom. It itched. Its first outing was to a Roller Disco. Nice.

5) Louise Hay (I’m loath to give lots of info about her here because I have complex feelings about her, google her if you’re intrigued but take it all with a massive pinch of salt) says that breast cancer in the left breast is caused by “Feeling unloved, refusal to nourish oneself. Putting everyone else first.” Well then, I’m surprised that there’s not a huge glut of insecure twenty and thirty something women with left breast cancer, or teens. I’m also a Stage Manager, so I was doomed, doomed I say. But never fear, this affirmation will help : I am loved and nourished by all around me So that’s sorted then.

6) I have sometimes, occasionally and never, ever on purpose swallowed gum. I know, I know.

7) I’m a complete straight-laced, geek who has never smoked or experimented with any drugs. ever. I’m not just saying it because my Dad reads little Blog either, I’m really just that dull.* You’d think that might act in my favour right? However, once, while making a ‘Hippy’ costume – actually it was a Hippopus Costume (it’s a type of clam) for an Invertebrate Ball (total geek), we dressed as Hippies and carried pictures of Opus the Penguin (geeeeeek) – I digress. Anyway, the hippy costumes needed a joint, obviously, so we made some out of paper. We then, for authencity of burn marks took a drag. NEVER do this, the hit of chemicals from the paper, I swear my lungs felt shredded. I imagine that did some damage. We didn’t even win a prize.

8) I am almost totally deaf in my left ear (it was dodgy when I was small, I had several operations), my left eye has astigmatism, my left foot is slightly bigger than my right….maybe my left side is faulty. Then again, I’ve had my appendix removed (it burst as it was being taken out) and broken my right arm twice. Maybe I’m faulty full stop? Seriously, maybe I am.

9) Guilt. Do you think guilt causes cancer? Gotta lot of Guilt. Please see Karma at number 2.

10) I am STILL using my laptop while lying down with it on my belly / chest. I’m going it now. I REALLY should stop……

So there we go, more reasons I may have got cancer…. feel like it was inevitable really.

NB: This blog post is almost entirely tongue in cheek.

*Also, I have a caffeine allergy, when I partake – I imagine the results are similar to a high of another kind. It rarely ends well. Legal drugs, any legal drugs make me sleepy, I’m not even joking. The steroids I take at the moment? Meant to make me manic, I nap. Hardcore.