It’s the last post of the year. Of this very difficult year….. I’m kinda feeling the pressure here to write a balanced, thoughtful and heartfelt piece.
I’ve been thinking about it, mostly in the shower. It’s proving tricky…..
I have no idea what to write about. The Earth Mother credentials that I’ve been patiently waiting for have still not materialised. Seriously, how long does a girl have to wait to receive some wisdom from this experience? I mean really!
So, do you know what I keep coming back to?
A year ago my life looked a little different. That’s what I’ve got. A year ago, my life was different. Not hugely profound, I’m afraid.
At the end of 2013, I was truly excited about the year ahead; comfortable (at last!) in my own skin, happy about how I’d conducted myself in trying times and pleased with my reflection. I felt (and please don’t laugh) grown up.
I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a few Christmas melt downs on the subject. I feel duped, the rug was well and truly pulled from beneath my, for once, firmly placed feet. So there has been a lot of sobbing and cursing and deciding life hasn’t been very fair this year.
A. points out; that no matter how I was feeling or looking a year ago, the truth is, I had cancer and I just didn’t know it yet.
So while, at the end of 2014, everything else maybe up in the air, at least I am cancer free. That is the barebones of it.
I can pat my legs and wiggle my toes (even though I can’t feel four of them) and thank goodness I caught it.
And I think that is where I am at. I am thankful I am cancer free, thankful that I am done with Chemo and Radiotherapy. I am anxious what hormone therapy and gene testing will bring. Anxious that it could all come back.
I hope 2015 is less dramatic. I hope it brings more hair, time to reflect and the wisdom I seek. I hope the same for all of you, unless you are happy with the amount of hair you have.
Perhaps all I learnt from this year, is not to put so much pressure on a clock ticking round.
Robert Frost wrote; how we should always choose the road less travelled, for it will make all the difference. I’m not so sure these days, if we get much say in exactly the path we get to tread. Whether 2015 finds us with solid concrete or shale underfoot; whether the pathway is well maintained and clearly signposted or we find ourselves on a detour of the bumpy variety -
I wish for us all a flash light, a knapsack of tasty supplies, some good hands to hold a long the way (preferably one who has GPS on their phone or a map), and the knowledge that in a year it will all be different.