Things are changing in my world. Not in the ghastly – cancer’s going to mug you and take your year – kinda way. That way knocks the wind out of you, leaves you on your ass while it skates by shouting “loser”. So I’m very grateful it’s not that kind.
Life is yelling “Forwards” at me, rallying the troops and charging off in the most unexpected directions. I’m married for crying out loud! I mean, what!? The other big change is in my career.
For pretty much all my working life I have been a stage manager. I have worked odd hours, lived behind a curtain and fashioned a life in the dark, in the backwards hours of the day. I love, love, loved (almost) every minute of it. It is where I’ve met the majority of my most beloved humans, including A (who once kissed me behind a set door, when a smoke machine was going off, *sign*). My work, for the longest time, has been all rolled up in my personality, my identity. If I wasn’t Polly, Stage Manager, I wasn’t at all sure who I was. I stage managed a performance on the day of my mother’s funeral – I wrote her eulogy during a dress rehearsal, between cues. I’m the girl who went back to work 3 weeks after finishing Chemo. I stage manage, there for I am.
Then cancer happened; surgery, chemicals, radiation happened and I can’t be Polly, stage manager, all the time anymore. My body, be it temporarily or permanently (juries out), can’t keep up with back to back shows. The crazy hours, the stress, it’s not helping me recover. But it’s more than that, I’ve realised that evenings and weekends not spent at work means seeing more of the people I love; that siren call of regular hours, my allotment, evenings with my A. It’s having a life and work, not just a life at work.
I want some thing else. Not better, but different.
Has discovering this been painful? Is it scary trying to figure out just what the hell I’m meant to be doing now? Was turning down a show, with pretty much my favourite people involved, my work family, like taking a bullet? You betcha. I feel like a turtle without a shell, all soft and unprotected.
I wake in the night wondering – What if I lose contact with all those wonderful, colourful folk I’ve met? What if there is nothing else on this earth I can do?
Then A. gently reminds me that my health is more important, living a long life is important and I’ll figure out a way a filling it up.
So I am now Polly, part-time stage manager, student of holistic massage, sometime blogger and kicker of cancer’s ass.
Anyway, I thought it was about time that little blog reflected these shifts; looking backwards all the time means I’m bumping into a lot of lamp posts.
I guess I could just say goodbye to little blog, leave it as a testament to my year or so of cancer but I’d miss writing. Plus why just write about the bad bits? So yeah, the tag line to this blog should read PollyGosh: A little blog, not always about cancer.
Thank you for reading along thus far, I understand that not everyone will continue. Little blog has been a handy dandy way of keeping you posted when I was unwell. I very much hope it never has to be that tool again. Please check in every now and again.
Oh and if anyone has any bright ideas for a career for me – answers on a postcard (she half jokes).