Five years more

Dearest Ma,

It has been five years again, last year I was convinced it had been five years – four didn’t seem hardly long enough for how long I’d been missing you. Four years seemed like no time at all and so much has happened in the years since you died. As always lots has changed since last year but that is what happens when someone is gone, they miss stuff and they are missed.

I hate January, I mean I really hate it. It only really occurred to me in the past few weeks but nothing good ever happens in January. This year Alan Rickman and David Bowie died and that’s not even scratching the surface, they’re just the ones the media has told me to care about. So no nothing good happens in January. Apart from Marla, Marla is a great thing to happen in January but apart from that January can jog on, as can February. March is where it’s at.

Well, you’re probably wondering why I’m spending our yearly communication prattling about the little things and not filling you in on the ‘news’. Well Ma, that’s what I miss, I miss discussing the little things. The daft things, the funny things, the mad, bad, sad things that we’d chat about on the phone or bitch about in the kitchen. That’s what makes me feel your loss.

Did I miss you when I got married? yeah, I did that – I got married and it is awesome. I missed you, but truth be told as we had but a single (though very lovely) guest it made things easier. All the faces were missing so yours didn’t standout as it usually does in its absence.

What I miss is asking you about this actual marriage business not the wedding.

It’s the little things that make up a day not the giant things that make up a lifetime.

Like the recipes I try and recreate that don’t taste like yours.

Like grumbling that it has been almost 18 months and my eyebrows have yet to properly grow back (to which I’m sure I’d have been given sympathy and then a sound talking to).

Like the fact that you will never, ever know what happened at the end of Downton Abbey.

There are amazing plays and performances you have missed.

Political Scandals, though I guess I’m glad you have been spared Donald Trump but still.

I’d like your opinion, I’d like your laughter, I’d like your god damn tears and I don’t like having to miss you instead.

I guess I’m lucky, you had a strong voice and an opinion on everything. In my minds eye or my brains ear if I’m quiet and still or just not thinking directly about it your opinion comes to me. Sometimes that’s a good thing and sometimes not but it comes just the same.

I guess that’s what a parental legacy is being here, in me, even when you’ve been gone five whole years.

I love you Ma, I always will.

Me xxx